Mommy guilt

I was going to begin this blog with something related to the “I” in me. This is a qualifier, but different than the dribble I had originally intended.

I decided I would just write and see where it takes me. We will see where it goes. So onto the page and downward. (My Mommy Sword in air.)

There are so many differing topics of Mommy Guilt from the binky hitting the floor and yes- I actually picked it up and plugged my little one’s mouth- to the all powerful, wow- I really screwed my kid up (#HindsightSucks not to be confused with #MyHinnySucks).

I really hope you don’t experience that last one. It is a horrible place to be in with the Mommy Guilt voice in your head. That, alas, is the one I am pouring out in this first ever blog.

See- I have girlfriends. True to my “I” I have a few truly strong, iron-clad relationships and some that are good. I find myself pouring what ever I can into the good ones, listening, helping when I think I can help (always waiting to see if they really need my assistance- be mentally and physically there for them), and just being. It is the truly strong relationships that open me up. They listen to me. They pull me out of myself and through what ever I am struggling with. It is not fair to them, because it is like a spigot opening and I feel myself pour out. I cannot turn the handle off at times. Then I feel friend-guilt as we part ways, because I have usually wanted to ask so many questions about their lives, but we only talked about mine.

Yes- those kinds of girlfriends. Soul sisters. Kindred spirits. They are so important to me, I wanted to connect with more women about the “stuff” of life, like the Mom feelings and the “I” feelings and the “E” feelings as you get annoyed at the “I” feelings. I calculate that those communications and the viewpoints of others will help me better focus with my “truly-strongs” and find out more about them.

Now we can move on… my “truly-strongs” live far away or work like I do, a ton of hours and when we have time to talk, it is usually about very specific things.

So- MommyGuiltBloggers unite. Here we go.

My Mommy guilt is the distance of the grown children. It is the constant yearning of the child I remember and the glorious wonderful smiles, bright eyes and giggling laughter that wrapped me forever in such love with my child that my soul cannot unwind from… not that I would ever want it to.

My soul. That very part of me that cannot feel the disappointment, the hurt, the tears, the sorrow, the daily ups and downs. It is the piece of me that entwined with the piece of my child from the second of conception. The forever knowledge of the shared heartbeats and breaths. (This is the same for parents that adopt or become “all-in” step-parents as well, it is a bond and that is me too.)

And the time slips fast. Don’t believe it on those days when you are one dirty diaper away from Lord of the Flies and declaring your own form of civilization. Take a breath and look at whatever mess and ugliness is around you and see the beauty of the faces, yes even smeared in chocolate from the amazing wall mural that was just created on your dining room wall. (Ok- it might not be chocolate, and anger is justified.) Just for that moment, acknowledge to yourself that you will look back on it and have one heck of a story to tell your child’s future date. (Oh yeah, it is worth it.)

They move away. Sometimes they cannot wait to separate as far as they can from the world you had created for them. Right or wrong in all parts, they branch out and make their own choices. They may not call, they may not leave contact information. When you hear their voice, I guarantee you, that Mommy-soul you have that will forever be connected like a beautifully crafted golden thread will sing and your joy will overflow and you will cling to every word just to hear the tones in their voice and the way they have always orchestrated their sentences with voice inflections and pauses. It is the knowing of those tones and quietly spoken influxes that feels like snuggling-in-a-warm-blanket-on-a-rainy-day good. It is more home than any set of walls can create.

And the moments pass. Too quickly.

When life happens to them, as it is going to, and they divulge difficult things to you after they have happened it pulls an old rusty string. It is hard to know they have grown so far away from you that they do not trust you to carry the burden they have until the burden is passing. And they remain aloof.

And the Mommy-guilt plays its chord and it is the intro to the song you have known since bottle feedings and binkies. You have danced to it a million times over your child’s life. The dance is different each time, fast, slow, angry, weak, Dracula’s theme song and even new one- head in the sand.

Live throws so many curveballs at you. When did we ever take classes on hitting home runs?

I ponder what decisions I could have made differently that would have changed outcomes. I would love to tell you not to make this choice, but make that choice. I cannot tell you what outcome the other choice would have yielded. I can say I have never given up on my kids. I love them all 100%. I may have pushed at times when I should have relaxed or relaxed when I should have pushed. Each kid is so different. You do not get a PhD in Psychology when you get the birth certificate.

I am not sure it would help. I probably would have messed up even worse if I had approached parenting without the deer in the headlight look.

It is an amazing voyage through the upbringing of kids. There are so many cherished memories.

Mommy Guilt is the worst guilt there is. I could be wrong from someone else’s point of view. I have been wrong before.

I wait for the next open door, phone call or visit. I cherish the moments like precious jewels. The miles are many between us, but my devotion will always remain.

-The Mom in Me

 

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